Thoughts

One more day and then I leave for vacation.  I'm sitting here just thinking about all the things that have been going on that I'm going to try to vacation from.  I think the past month has been a very trying time for me and those around me.  Things have been going on that really shouldn't happen to good people.  I admit that in my past I've done my fair share of the bad, but I also believe that I have paid my debts in the karma department.  I have tried very hard to be a good person and have I think managed to succeed for the most part.  That is not to say I've been any kind of saint or anything because that would just be absurd.  I try very often to remind myself that with ever bad there has got to be some good somewhere.  A little stubborn streak I picked up from my mother.  She used to tell me that when the good was the hardest find, that's when you needed to find it the most.  I have fought hard to find some good in the events of the past few weeks.  I have finally come up with some.  I think my mother would be proud. 

Even though it appears that I have lost my friendship with Adam, or at least torn it such small shreds it may not be salvageable I had it to begin with.  For a few months I had a good friendship that caused me to be happy.  If it's gone now, at least I had it for awhile.  Something that touched me and made me a better or at least a happier person is always worth the dissapointment and sorrow of loss.  I wouldn't trade one second of the worry and stress that have occurred if it meant losing out on one minute of crackin up about oh say "the hat".  It was worth every second of uhappiness at it's failure just for it's moments of success.  I think that might just make me strange, but I come by it honest. 

I am taking the kids for their first ever vacation at the beach.  I have been thinking alot lately about my first trip to the beach.  It was with me, mom, and sarah.  It was after my father died.  We didn't have a lot of money back then, mom worked 2 jobs most of the time to keep food on the table while she was going to school to become a paralegal.  So, a big trip like that was something we never dreamed we would take.  But the summer after my dad died she decided we were taking one.  I will never forget sitting up all night with her watching bad horror movies until the sun was coming up.  She and I walked out onto the balcony to watch the sunrise and see the dolphins playing in the water.  It's one of the best memories I have, period.  I still remember the sound of the waves hitting the sand.  The pink of the horizon as the sun came right up out of the ocean.  Standing there with a breeze blowing in off the water the smell of it all, and her laughing at the dolphins.  Now I am taking her youngest two children on their first trip to the beach.  There will be no sunrise dolphin watching with their mother, there won't be any laughing with her.  The one thing that makes me saddest for them out of everything is the fact they will never get to have those moments.  The very thought that they are missing out on all those things breaks my heart to no end.  I try to make things as much like she would want them as I can, but I know I don't do it justice.  Hell I cry everytime they have a function of some kind.  A play, an awards ceremony, a banquet like for heather's cheerleading.  It breaks my heart because I know how proud mom would be of them, and how big a deal she would make it for them.  Every birthday, christmas, every thing is all the same.  They say it gets easier with time, that it hurts less, but it doesn't.  It just gets easier to hide.  It never feels any different from the first one.  The kids are so excited they are already packed.  Of course that means I have to repack them tomorrow night, but that's ok.  It's just one more thing they do without her.  Sarah and I have our memories.  Heather and Nathan have been robbed of the chance for theirs.  Sarah and I lost a past, but the babies lost the chance to have a past with her.  So, now I know you're wondering what the good is in all this.  Well, the fact they they are getting their first trip to the beach.  That I am taking them, and that would make her happy.  The fact that I will be able to take them to do the things that we did on our trip, so they can have a good memory of it.  It might not be the same but it's the best I can do, and I think that makes it ok. 

I have even recently begun to find some things that while not good, make her death a bit easier.  I can attribute these things also to Adam.  In dealing with him I've learned how lucky I have been.  My mother passed away, but she knew me.  The real me, the me that likes boys, and goes out and has a good time.  She might not have been too terribly happy with it, but she accepted it and she knew.  I don't have to think a single day, "if only I'd told her so she could have known me."  Because she did.  I don't want to even imagine what life would be like without that.  I will never have a chance to go back and change it if she wouldn't have.  So, there's some good there and that makes it a bit more bearble. 

Ok, enough of that.  I'm going to bed now.  I suppose I just needed to get that off my chest.